We live in a society that privileges logical thinking and constant self-analysis. This is how we make sense of our experiences and navigate relationships. Log on to social media and you’ll be inundated with content about what terms to use and how to think about things so you can achieve a state of calm and wellness.

This logical, head-centered way of thinking often extends to human emotions, such as grief, and finds its way into my therapy sessions. I notice clients coming in with great distress about the sadness they are feeling and asking what they need to do to make those feelings go away.

• “What do I need to do? What haven’t I done yet to come out of this feeling and get better?”
• “I thought I was fine and coping well, and then all of a sudden the grief hit me out of nowhere.”

The problem with a head-centered approach to something as complex as emotions is that it creates a culture that misunderstands emotions, doesn’t know how to relate to them in a healthy way, and copes by avoiding them. Intellectualization can easily become a form of avoidance if we’re not careful. My training in avoidance has taught me that once we start avoiding, the thing we’re avoiding becomes scarier to confront and leads to a sense of powerlessness.

What’s a Better Approach to Emotions?

Dr. Marsha Linehan coined the term Wise Mind. She explained that as human beings, we often find ourselves in one of three states of mind: reasonable mind, emotion mind, and wise mind.

• Reasonable mind looks at facts and evidence and operates from a place of rationality.
• Emotion mind excludes reason and sees the world entirely through emotions.
• Wise mind balances both—taking into account facts, evidence, and emotions. This middle path creates balance.

Example: Using Wise Mind When Choosing a Partner

• If we choose a partner purely from emotion mind, it may feel exciting, but we risk overlooking compatibility and shared values.
• If we choose solely from reasonable mind, we may tick the right boxes but sacrifice emotional connection.
• From wise mind, we consider both compatibility and chemistry.